To YOU : (and all the you’s I used to know…)

Maybe you felt like this….

if shame had a face i think it would kind of look like mine
if it had a home would it be my eyes would you believe me
if i said i am tired of this now here we go one more time
i tried to climb your steps i tried to chase you down
i tried to see how low i could get down to the ground
i tried to earn my way i tried to change this mind
you better believe i tried to beat this
when will this end it goes on and on and over and over and over again
keep spinning around i know it won't stop till i step down from this for good
i never thought i'd end up here i never thought i'd be standing
where i am i guess i kind of thought it would be easier than this
i guess i was wrong now one more
time this is a sick cycle carousel this is a sick cycle, yeah

Lifehouse- Sick Cycle Carousel

I wish I could understand… I really do but I don’t and sometimes I’m glad I don’t. Yeah, the children in Ethiopia don’t have food, water or shelter but for that we should be thankful but like I said, everyone’s problems seems the biggest to them. And yes, we are self absorbed. What you said did hit a nerve. But I hope it did get you thinking.

You asked us...How do you know if I’ve changed? I don’t really know that but I do know that for a person who is so passionate about what she loves, she would not do what she did. I do know she is a girl who knows how to pick herself up and draw from the strength that is in her. I know she has that will because she is the only one out of us who managed to attend PE completely without actually voicing out that she wants to skip. And that dahling, speaks volumes.

I know that you not only have the strength to pick yourself up but also have the strength to pick others who have fallen. Don’t ask me how I would know… I just do. It’s the same thing that keeps all those of us who have talked to you. You are sensible and logical, saner than anyone of us here and I don’t think you truly meant what you told us. Cuz if you did, you would have cut a little bit longer and a little bit deeper but you must have realised that spiralling downwards was not the way to go at all. And that was the first step.

Like I said, I wish I could understand how pain could make you feel better but I don’t. I do know, however, that hurting yourself isn’t going to stop people from hurting you. And when would it have stopped? If people screw your life later, do you think you’d be able to live with yourself? I don’t want to imagine the consequences. You can never block out the pain…it’s always waiting to surface unless you deal with it the way its mean to be dealt with – head on. Pain in this from is just like running away… and precisely when do you think it’s gonna stop? When there’s nothing left in you? Do you think the hurt will stop then…I don’t think so. I can guarantee you it’ll just rush back ten fold and attack you when your defenceless.. Why not deal with it when you have the ammunition? I got the POWER!!! Don’t ever say that life’s not worth it! It is. I appeal to your rationality to look past the clichés and embrace the meaning. Up babe! You haven’t had quality sex yet!!

Yea Yeah I know, it’s the same old argument but you are gonna keep hearing it until its drilled into your head. Praying may not help but it doesn’t mean that God isn’t there watching… I’m sure you’ve heard of the footsteps story a million and one times and I’m sure s/he’s right next to you. I don’t think s/he really minds the way you talk to HIM/HER (just waylaying gender issues) as long as you do…

As I’m sure you’ve been hearing everyone tell you… we won’t be around for too long and yes, that is partly because the world is self absorbed. It did hit a nerve yeah, but didn’t damage the whole nervous system and I think deep down inside, you know that too and you know that you’d be thinking the exact same thing. But since we’re here now, why don’t you milk us for all we’re worth? We all did worry, you know, and kept envisioning one of those ST articles which go “we never thought she’d jump…she seemed so well adjusted” And I for one would not be looking forward to that scenario. So yeah, we shout out and say ‘me!” one too many times but that doesn’t mean we don’t care or suddenly smile because we got reminded of a memory of you and us. It doesn’t mean we stopped thinking about you. It just means we kinda forgot and took you for granted a bit too much and I plead guilty. But that doesn’t mean that if you disappear off the face of the earth, life would progress on smoothly immediately. We would wonder, we would cry, we would hold the unshed tears inside us cuz we would remember you as the dancer who never skipped PE and made notes that would rival KY’s, who would claim to be mature and laugh just as loudly when someone did something immature, would glare ferociously but would have a hint of a smile peeping out, would throw temper tantrums for math sums but could be loving and generous when it came down to the real stuff, could be completely bitchy and wouldn’t take offence, would always go the toilet with you no matter how many times you were there already, would always be prepared to go anywhere with you, would always lounge around at the scope benches and was always there with her lame comments like “wit-tee and the “bulge” to make you laugh out loud. And frankly, even if we did want to forget, we could never.

Your picture is just too big enough for us to ignore.

Love you

Remember I told you today to go listen to this… well, if you can’t, here are the lyrics

She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
than try to fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
even with the cell phone gone
She told him that she believes in living
bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
and upside down

Don't say so long, and throw yourself wrong
Don't spin today away, cause today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is gone
Just try to prove me wrong
And pretend like you're immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow brings us
one step closer to the edge, infinity
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
if you get the world and lose your soul?
She pretends like she pretends like she's immortal

Don't say so long, you're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to make up
Today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone
Like history is gone
The world keeps spinning on
You're going, going, gone
Like summer break is gone,
Like saturday is gone
Just try to prove me wrong
You pretend like you're immortal.

We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at our decadence

Gone, like Frank Sinatra, like Elvis and his mom,
Like Al Pachino's cash, nothing lasts in this life
Gone, my high school dreams are gone,
my childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last for long.

Life is more than money, time was never money
Time was never cash, life is still more than girls.
Life is more than hundred dollar bills and roto-tom fills,
Life is more than fame and rock and roll and thrills,
All the riches of the kings end up in wills
We've got information in the information age but do
We know what life is outside of our convenient Lexus cages?
She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow brings us closer
to the God who's not short of cash
Hey Bono, I'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is more than what we are

'Life is so only-once, so single-chancish! It all depends on your arranging andsynchronising it so that when opportunity knocks you're right there waiting withyour hand on the doorknob.'
Sylvia Plath