Just finished debate and I feel mildly charitable towards juniors probably because I was not directly dealing with them. Still want to smack some of them for being cocky and uninterested but there are no effective checks and balances in place to ensure that what is ethically supposed to be done is supposed to be done. We can arm twist them when they are actually supposed to be hacked to pieces but I guess, some things are better than none. It is like the TJ UN I guess, effectively keeping the GP marks buoyant so that it does not sink into oblivion BUT unable to go beyond the Security Council and the Nature of the World.
Why?
I guess, partly, it is the culture in TJ. There is no culture for the arts or the progressiveness to go beyond the burette. There is a ZERO culture for debate and whatever semblance there is, it is crumbling. I do understand that these things take time but come on, break out of the damn mould! It has been one year since we won anything. The top guns are laughing their asses off at TJ debate. We have lost to YJ by a half-a-fucking-point. And do not best speaker me! It was the last year PJ debate all over again. It is not a reputable win. It is a disgrace!
Yet, do we get the support?
No. All we get is $250 a year, which works about less to $20 a month roughly. And how do we survive? Do we even get moral encouragement? No. Do we even have mildly stupid and parochial juniors who are willing to commit what they have to debate?
No. All we get is a drop by session by HT once in a while. A set of incompetent, uncommitted bunch of juniors who fail to understand what debating is, not withstanding a few members. Not that I am the greatest but at least, I would like to qualify as I much as I disliked Kenneth, there was team dynamics. There was commitment. We were afraid but if we were too scared to ask anything, we asked each other or checked the net. We did screw up, definitely. I remember AC NY debate where I subbed in as 2nd and failed to address many pertinent issues. Where I failed to debate properly during the NJ friendly. Where I completely wasted my role as a 3rd speaker during the SR SR debate.
But there was commitment. But then again maybe it is a tall order as many current year twos are non-existent and those who turn up, (myself included) inconsequential. Why is it so hard? It is a tall order, yes but perhaps someday it might become the height of Jolyn (haha!). Furthermore, as an exco member, worse still as the president, the ideals that QH and I had last year were just that, last year. We got the badge done *ooo*
Why did I join debate? Why did I even stay on? There were times when it was so tempting to say +I quit!+ especially when NN got on my nerves and I just could not stand case preppin. I frankly do not know why I stayed on. The returns are tangibly little. You can be the president. I definitely was all right without the post. School Team? It is all right being the 3rd. Frankly, I think it is the most fun but just as arduous but hey, I am the 3rd (duh what my sentiments are!).
It sounds all lofty and idealistic to say I stayed on because of passion because I share a love hate relationship with debating. I hate the preparing and the feeling right before you debate But once the flow starts and I get into form, the adrenalin is truly mind blowing, especially If YOU know you did a great job (the AC debate this year was like that). Of course, if you won, it is twice as good. But I guess I did stay because I felt loyalty and I did like debating. I was deathly afraid of Mr Bala for a while but in the end I guess I stayed because I liked debating.
Hmmm
The adrenalin is truly mind blowing.
Feel mildly better now. Catharsis does aid but I wonder how it feels like to blow up just one fine day. All the resentment and the repression just come pouring out and the raging continues on until you end the tirade with everyone just staring at you with their mouths agape, astonished. A newfound respect is formed and the limits set are acknowledged and respected.
But then wariness is created and the comfort zone is gone. *Sighs*
I truly do not believe I am a doormat but sometimes, just sometimes, I wish my boundaries were respected. Like the invasion of my phone and my file. They are private. I do not mean to insinuate otherwise, but sometimes it is so dammed irritating. It WAS funny. Then it was just my bill going getting higher. And to others, I am not an espionage spy. I am not out to hide things from you. Stop being so paranoid. I am not out to get you. Neither is the world. Please lighten up. If you ask politely at a respectable distance without breathing down my ear, I will show you the relevant information voluntarily. Whether I am fat or not, I need my personal space. There is this huge circle around me that will silently scream you are invading my personal space but I am too well bred to out rightly tell you. If I move, do not follow. It is an indication that I am trying to breathe. Unless I allow you to get close, you cannot. All you do is irritate me further and I am too well bred or too tired to be bitchy
I also would like to qualify that bitchiness is an inherent part of me and destroying it would be destroying my soul and my very essence. Why do you not just mix meat with my vegetarian food and kill me?
Yay! Saw Jae Hee with this girl outside school, waiting for her to get a bus. Euphoria coursed through my veins. Truly. Though Jolyn had disbelief +Euphoria, my ass+, written all over her tone, she also knows any romantic feeling I have for anyone is in my toenail which is entirely made up of dead skin cells (Learning from Houston who uses obscure analogies) The Saga will not be over but it might be diminished. Someday I should write a book - Save the last dance~what never happened- haha. But yay! Truly, Love is in the air. Feel happy for everyone. Genuinely, it is about time some gals got what they deserve. I will not find mine in JC let alone TJ but I am not bothered because I believe that there is more to life. I truly believe I could be content with a Starbucks frap, a good buck and some eye candy (read JP!!). I may feel sometime but nah, I know I cannot commit. So I am a-ok. :]
Wow. This is Long. Haha. Sadly, three quarts is about debate juniors. Other on goings.
Monday
Went to see doctor. Nothing much. Went shopping with mum in Far East. Argued about buying a skirt. I refused. Argued about too guyish clothes. She refused to pay. Sulked on way home. Attempted to do some work. Managed to get Homework due cleared along with history 1 readings
Tuesday
Borrowed a couple of books form school library, which has a pretty good collection. Rotted until 4 there. Went Starbucks, bound myself to a chocolate brownie. The calorie devil held me hostage. Pretended to be Jolynz mum on the phone. Met Jolyn. Went Gelare where she was eyeing cheap Ah bengs. Had waffle and cheesecake. Calorie Devil strikes again. Went home around seven. Bathed. Listened to Hoobastankz The Reason 25 times. Conked off in bed at eight.
Wednesday
Woke up all perky and bright. Unable to knot ( not tie!!) a tie professionally. Still knot like I work in McDonalds. Enlisted Bhavnaz help as usual. Realised did wrong essay plan for econs so rushed during first period break. Went for History where I was awake. Drank coffee. Miraculously awake during econs double where I had a fun time watching KC drool. Haah. Did John Donne during contact time. Argued with Qi Ying on George Bushz stupidity. Celebrated Bhavnaz birthday where Sameera caused me grievous injury. Got chocolate all over my butt. Went for Lit and saw Hunter. Cute Hunter scenario follows
Mr Hunter (Raises hand and holds up there to emphasise point) : and what is that word?
Class stares blankly back at him. Mr Hunter looks back expectantly, hand hovering in quivering anticipation. Class stares back. Someone opens mouth to yawn. Mr Hunter shifts his unwavering gaze on her, hand still in air suspended. She closes mouths and blinks back uncertainly. His hand lowers a notch or too, like a withering flower. It finally falls down that if it were personified it would heave a huge sigh of resignation.
Mr Hunter: The word is.. blah blah
Haha. After which was debate. Which starts at the top. This is a vicious cycle because you would never stop reading because by now, you would have forgot what I griped about debate. In order to refresh your mind, you will reread it and come back here and read this again and move back to the top. The end. The top. The end. Notice a trend?
Good Night :]
p/s: my grammer sucks as this damned skin reads the damned apostorphes as this ' .... beats me
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